I don’t read O Magazine, but Twisty over at I Blame The Patriarchy reports on Oprah’s “special report” on men.

The June issue contains a “special report” on, what else, men. But this is Oprah’s magazine; no mere reportage here. No. In fact, Oprah’s vital and clairvoyant information will “change forever the way you think about men” (emphasis mine). That is, if you had previously thought of men as sentient beings, you no longer will. It turns out that men are “Neanderthals,” and if your life’s dream is to amass a repertoire of bogus tips and tricks that promise to make life with the “monosyllabic male of your choice” bearable, you’ve come to the right place.

*snip*

According to Oprah–well, not the celestial Oprah Herself, but the more earthly harem of avuncular shrinks and sassy sexperts and shopping editors through whom Oprah speaks–the white heterosexual woman must study, and study hard, to become a tool of the patriarchy. She must manipulate. She must buy the right bathing suit. She must say the right things at the right times. She must flush her non-relationship interests down the crapper and express a fascination for his non-relationship interests. Like the 4th Earl of Chesterfield once said, no doubt addressing his irate Pops after getting sent down from Cambridge, “the knowledge of the world is only to be acquired by reading men, and studying all the various editions of them.”

Right on. Could not agree more. What is mind-blowing is Oprah’s tips for women:

  • Don’t try to talk to him during football season.
  • If he tries to cook, get out of the kitchen until it’s time to clean up.
  • Don’t be argumentative.
  • Admire him for being tough.
  • Shut up.
  • Acquaint yourself with the career of Peyton Manning.
  • Meet every protest and argument he makes, no matter how ridiculously false, with the observation that he is absolutely correct…in boxing this is called rope-a-dope.
  • Rent a Steven Seagal movie.
  • Accept that the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue is one of his favorite things.
  • If you want him to fix the shower drip, whatever you do don’t nag; instead, remove the shower head, bring it to him and say “uh-oh, stupid me, I tried to fix it myself but now the drip is worse!” Then offer to bring him his power drill.
  • If you want to comfort your man, don’t try to soothe him with a home-baked pie; for the lovagod, tell him how powerful he is.

What kind of caveman bullshit is this? This is fucked up for a bunch of reasons:

  • Yeah shut the fuck up and accept it! No really, settle for some neanderthal who likes Steven Seagal and boring swimsuit magazines. Accept that he is “tough” and needs to be told he is  “powerful” to assure him that his penis is HUGE. No, really, because we know that is what it is all about for the patriarchy. The dominance over women is needed to make up for their very small penises.
  • This assumes that this is the only acceptable way for men to behave! I mean, I dig Peyton Manning too, but I do not like Steven Seagal or swimsuit magazines and I hate it when women “shut up” or just tell me that I am right to appease me. Who actually lives like that? I would seriously not be able to function in a relationship like that.
  • This also assumes that woman are these manipulative shrews who have to cater to their man’s every stupid whim and constantly “mother” them because they are really these big babies who need to have their manhood constantly reassured. Again, people really live like this?
  • Any relationship that is filled with manipulation, by males or females, is a shitty one to begin with. Maybe this is why I do not read these magazines, or really relate to most people. I do not go out of my way for relationships and certainly would not want to be in one where everything was a mind game to appease the other. Why do people stay in relationships like that? Why get in them to begin with? As someone in the comments on Twisty’s blog points out, if being in a relationship is that manipulative I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than ever deal with that kind of crap, even once.
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